Day six: I am not ready yet...A rainy Friday

Hi, is me again. I am not willing to write too much.  Even though today has been a cool day, no anxiety or stress....however I tried to call him once.   My excuse was to confirm that he wouldn't answer, and of course, it was so.  I

I was thinking in all the things I will like to say him, pour all my pain and deceptions over him, tell him how evil he is....and I realize that all this negative feelings only harm myself.  

Today I feel depressed, I called some friends to see if we can go out to anywhere, to have fun and drink some beers, listening music, but everybody was busy or had other things to do. 

So, I came home, with a deep sadness hidden inside me, nobody will know, but the pain is there, 

I just pray for this day goes by quickly, hopefully  tomorrow  will be other day with.  the new day that the LORD has made for me....

Day Five: A "No more" Thursday...

Hi! I am Annette again, and today Thursday, is the 5th day since I decided to enroll in this project, documenting every day that pass without calling or creating situations to approach Dark Cat.

Yesterday after I have passed all my work day without fail, he sent me a lost call...the blue light of my cell phone turned on...and I, more faster than fast and furious, call him back, twice! but he didn't answer! Then I sent him a text message asking why he called me, if he is not going to answer? Then he answer back saying that "he was in a meeting" and that He knows now that I wasn't die!! WTF!!! Definitely this guy is EVIL!

The fact that I called back, is not worrying me now, because this event, open up my eyes about two things: 

• One: He is a jerk! He is doing jokes about me, my pain is laughing matter for him, so he doesn't care a shit about my feelings or how I am doing to get over and out  from all this shit!!  How can I put up with this?
• Second: All the discomfort I felt when he called me, NOOO!! It is unacceptable! I was cool, in peace, after his call I got sick and disturbed! Headache, anxiety, stomach ache, dry  mouth....Com'on!! He doesn't deserve it! I don't like at all, feel like if I was a stupid girl! No more!

Then, thanks to the bitter sensation it caused on me, I got out pretty fast from the anxiety vortex that I usually fall.  My recovery was more than fast, efficient and worthy of a prize, considering how my reactions were in previous similar situations were.  

It gives me a different type of Hope.  Not the hope that push  me to look for him, is the hope that I can win this battle, the certainty that some day I will be exactly like him.  I will have the power to ignore him, he wont move my ground, and I wont feel hate, there wont be hard feelings.  I am going to be in peace with myself, and I will be able to breath clearly and continue walking as if nothing happened, toward to the future, and the past won't hurt me anymore...

AMEN!

Day 4: In the middle of the week...

Hi, is me again.  Today is the 4th day since I have started this project.   I am a person with emotional dependency and addicted to insane relationships.   I have problems with myself and always I have chosen the wrong way to walk.  OK, I am just remembering myself why I am doing this, and to have in  mind the fact that fighting against these invisible , but powerful issues is not easy, and I cannot neglect and I  must be alert, to don't slip like yesterday I did.

Sincerely, today I have felt better than yesterday, I haven't try to create an excuse to do something that I will regret.This is quite good!! So clear, so far!

I hope this sudden strength will become an usual condition in me, and keep me far from temptation, and from all the bad habits that have been with me during the most of my adult life.

I pray to have more days like today, serenity, confidence and auto control needs to be my weapons, to help me fight and win the battle against the Dark Cat and his henchmen, those who myself gave them power and put together and dismantle all.

I feel motivated, I now I can do it...  

Day 3: A slippery Tuesday

Hello, I am Annette, and I fail today.  I sent a message and a second one. I tried not to do it, but this spark of hope inside me, is making me believe or expect things that are out of order!
I must analyze...Why I did it? What is the fuel that turn on the motor of the stupidity? 
Of course, I haven't had any response from him...but I think the expectation that maybe he will text me back or call me, push me to do it. In fact, there is nothing important to say,  even though I put a serious and menacing touch in my message, like my last words that I will send to you...and blah blah blah.....Something that sounded very dramatic and outright. I feel like a clown!
Maybe the song I was listening this morning, and I posted here, make me feel sensible or melancholic...So, what I have to do? Ban all the romantics songs ? No, it is not fair.
I must create a shield that protects me against this attacks of melancholy and romanticism.
At least a moral I must to get today, doesn't matter  what kind of message or what kind of attempt I make to get in touch with him, Is not going to work. So, take the veil over your eyes, and look into other direction.  keep your mind busy, messages sent to Dark Cat are similar to jelly to pigs. He wont appreciate it. He never did it.
If I read what I am writing now, seems ridicule and pathetic, but I believe there should be other persons like me, fighting with their owns phantoms, monsters and irrational dependency over someone, and they know internal wars are bloodiest and hard to win than the ones with real weapons and soldiers.  
I hope, someday read this, and get an smile in my face, telling myself: "Time goes by and heals everything!" It's not hurting me anymore!
Today I failed, I slip, but even though from my mistakes, I must get an experience, that helps me to get out from this hole where I got into walking with my own  feet.
May the force be with me!

IT'S A HEARTACHE

Second day: A Lazy Monday.

Hi, I am Annette, and this is the second day I haven't called or sent messages to Dark Cat.  Of course, he hasn't do it either! I can' t deny the fact that I wish he did it, and also I cannot deny that I have been thinking in him and giving myself explanations for his behavior. I recognize that there is a little spark of hope inside me, that he will be back and ask me forgiveness and show me repent......nahhhh, It is not going to happen!

Now, I know this beliefs are the root of my addiction and obsession, lighting up the spark in my mind and heart, that ties myself  to this story. 

Now I know that it never changes, it has been the same until now. It is an illegal relationship, and is not healthy at all for me.

How I feel? I am happy and motivated, because I have had the strenght to do not continue with the same habits as always at least for two days in a row. I compared today Monday, with other previous Monday, and I just made it!! Still there are a couple of hours to end the day, but for me is very important. I believe I have made the first step in front of my electric stairs, my monster....I am sure now I can, it will be painful, but I want to set me free!

Thanks GOD!

First day: A sunny Sunday of October

Hello, I am Annette, and this is my first post in this blog.  Also this is my first day in a  project that I have named One day at a time.  This project is to monitor myself in the way from recover from a disease that afflicts me: Emotional dependency plus addiction to insane relationships. Yeah!! I have copied some statements used by alcoholism or other drugs recovery therapy, but, let me tell you something, when you think you are (or do you think you are) in love with someone, and you cannot live without that person...you are in trouble dude!

This is my situation, and today after many attempts to set me free from that dependency, I started this new strategy, hoping it works. English is not my mother language, I am learning it, so I wish to double my expectations using this beautiful language to express myself.

I have been dating out with a person, in the last 8 years that I will call from now: Dark Cat. Even though the time seems to be long, all these dating have been random, unexpectedly, never a compromise has been settled between us, he has his own. Only the Love and passion we share when we were together, was the only and strongest motivation to be together. However these ¨shared moments¨ were always managed and established by him. 

There were not enough for me. But still. I continued waiting, wishing the day my phone rings and Voila!!! Is Dark Cat ! Calling me to go with him to the moon and other planets and galaxies! After those amazing trips to the outer space, I was back home, still tasting the pleasure and  the incredible emotions he make me feel. 

Definitely this delightful state lasts me just a couple of days...until he decides to go back to his world, and put me aside as if I were  nothing.
The worst thing in all this cyclic and repetitive behavior, is what I believe, ( I hope to write in past very soon) I believe that he is the solution of my insecurity, to my loneliness, but he is not. Dark Cat just provokes a multiplier effect in the internal issues I have.
He knows about it,  but he lies and feels comfortable having a woman who loves him, waits for him without conditions. A woman that never requested anything, because inside her absurd individuality she said to herself - My love is perfect, give it all , never expect any retribution, neither the truth nor honesty.- OMG!! what kind a fool am I!

The main idea of this blog is not to talk about the facts and events that have happened neither find excuses to my behavior, because if I continue looking for answers, explanations, I am not going to have it.  These words, short messages that come from the dark side, should not make me enter again in the hole I have been for the last 8 years, mostly in the last two.  

First step: I have to confess, as the addicted people,  that I have been calling and texting to him, often, too much. And I m sure about a fact, If I stop with these habits, If I not harass him...he will stay far from me.  Maybe he will call me, but still  I do not know what I will do, when this happen, I must leave this to the destiny and pray to God so He makes his will.

So, this is my first day to really leave this anxiety, this doubt, this endless waiting en God's hands. I don´t want to call him anymore, no more text messages...I believe that starting with this, someday I will set me free from this feeling, that only makes me feel bad.Hello, everybody, this is the first day that  I haven´t call him...And I feel quite good, quiet....