First day: A sunny Sunday of October

Hello, I am Annette, and this is my first post in this blog.  Also this is my first day in a  project that I have named One day at a time.  This project is to monitor myself in the way from recover from a disease that afflicts me: Emotional dependency plus addiction to insane relationships. Yeah!! I have copied some statements used by alcoholism or other drugs recovery therapy, but, let me tell you something, when you think you are (or do you think you are) in love with someone, and you cannot live without that person...you are in trouble dude!

This is my situation, and today after many attempts to set me free from that dependency, I started this new strategy, hoping it works. English is not my mother language, I am learning it, so I wish to double my expectations using this beautiful language to express myself.

I have been dating out with a person, in the last 8 years that I will call from now: Dark Cat. Even though the time seems to be long, all these dating have been random, unexpectedly, never a compromise has been settled between us, he has his own. Only the Love and passion we share when we were together, was the only and strongest motivation to be together. However these ¨shared moments¨ were always managed and established by him. 

There were not enough for me. But still. I continued waiting, wishing the day my phone rings and Voila!!! Is Dark Cat ! Calling me to go with him to the moon and other planets and galaxies! After those amazing trips to the outer space, I was back home, still tasting the pleasure and  the incredible emotions he make me feel. 

Definitely this delightful state lasts me just a couple of days...until he decides to go back to his world, and put me aside as if I were  nothing.
The worst thing in all this cyclic and repetitive behavior, is what I believe, ( I hope to write in past very soon) I believe that he is the solution of my insecurity, to my loneliness, but he is not. Dark Cat just provokes a multiplier effect in the internal issues I have.
He knows about it,  but he lies and feels comfortable having a woman who loves him, waits for him without conditions. A woman that never requested anything, because inside her absurd individuality she said to herself - My love is perfect, give it all , never expect any retribution, neither the truth nor honesty.- OMG!! what kind a fool am I!

The main idea of this blog is not to talk about the facts and events that have happened neither find excuses to my behavior, because if I continue looking for answers, explanations, I am not going to have it.  These words, short messages that come from the dark side, should not make me enter again in the hole I have been for the last 8 years, mostly in the last two.  

First step: I have to confess, as the addicted people,  that I have been calling and texting to him, often, too much. And I m sure about a fact, If I stop with these habits, If I not harass him...he will stay far from me.  Maybe he will call me, but still  I do not know what I will do, when this happen, I must leave this to the destiny and pray to God so He makes his will.

So, this is my first day to really leave this anxiety, this doubt, this endless waiting en God's hands. I don´t want to call him anymore, no more text messages...I believe that starting with this, someday I will set me free from this feeling, that only makes me feel bad.Hello, everybody, this is the first day that  I haven´t call him...And I feel quite good, quiet....