Surprise!

Today I wont write nothing related to my addiction or Dark Cat issues, because it doesn't deserve more my pearls. Still hurts, still in the circle of pain, but my attitude is different. So, today I bring an article about Surprises, with the deep faith that I will receive one soon..but a good one!

Surprises? Yes, surprises, but not those that come within the package or in the Cracker Jack, no! I want to address all these unexpected events that occur in our journey through life. And I will address this topic of surprises, making an analogy of these, like a station where we may stop suddenly, or come by chance, and makes us experience unexpected emotions.

Surprise Station can have different scenarios: pleasant, cheerful, motivating, full of colors, with music, but also has gloomy, sad, monochrome, silent, full of heavy stillness. . Other, extremely stunning, breathtaking, that might cause tachycardia and shakes! If not, would not be surprising.  Many times we do not know what is going on until after a few hours we realize we have been with the mouth open and the eyes squared for a while! Let’s go to describe some of my categories.

The monochromatic surprise: Nobody likes, but that does not exempt anyone to experience it. Is that kind of surprise, which leaves you unmoved, limp, gasping, with dry lips and eyes staring? Is the station to which no one invites or is waiting for you, and BANG! GOTCHA!! Your friend with your boyfriend, your boyfriend with his ex, or with his ex, that you thought it was not. (I mean??) . It is also when you find your group of friends in the restaurant or club where they told you they were not going, because they had a lot of compromises, so they decided to postpone it. Not even in 10 years! Another scenario may be, when they assign the vacant position you wanted for you, to the curvaceous girl or the boy of summer, they do not even have half of the experience or knowledge you have! Finally, it is quite long the variety of surprises like these, so we could fill a book with them.

The colorful surprise: I love them! Who does not? Suddenly reach that station with lights, music, people smiling, and you are received by your prince or princess with a smile and a look that lets you know how happy they are, that you're there. WAOOO! Get Surprised when you realized your kids children are grown and independent, discerning, mature and successful, you never thought see them so! Your chest swells with pride! Receiving good news, those who did not expect ... Listen from the lips of someone you never thought you would, telling you he loves you and needs you.... mmm.

The issue with Surprise Station, is that we visit it often,  immediately we feel deep sadness and disappointment caused by the fact of being there, in the monochromatic station and even after picking up the jaw and when the eyes are no longer square, we may continue grieving for days, weeks, years about the incident. However, when we receive a colorful surprise, we hardly laugh, do not enjoy, nor delight in it, no celebration; far less to be thankful for that! Why? It is something wrong with the act of giving thanks or show joy and happiness? Is that bad?

I am going to mention just a sample to show my point. In a popular TV show in which a random person earns a lucky day and is rewarded with a sum of money to buy or pay whatever he or she wants. In most cases the lucky person looks distracted, unhappy, morbid, languishing, no laughs, no emotion, no nervous, an Iceberg! If I were, surely I would be jumping up and talking like a parrot, so maybe they would have to edit the program and look for parts in the recording where I did silence. It is possible that most people suffer from fear or stage fright? Why are not pleased of receiving money unexpectedly? Has a lucky day without asking means nothing?? I do not understand.

Perhaps this has to do with how we were raised, much or little affection, afraid to express feelings, very concerned about what they say. The belief and behavior that say: “I feel good, but better than no one notices”, I just disagree.  For me, enjoy a colorful surprise with great fanfare, even though this party sounds just in my heart, is part of life and joy. When I get Monochromatic Station, then bear my turn and move forward, I also know that God will not allow us to suffer more pain than we can bear, so I'm sure I'll stay at that station for a short time.

I promise myself, enjoy the most of my stay at the area multicolor, but when I say enjoy, means enjoying and savoring every drop of the joy nectar that gives us the colorful surprise whenever it happens! Salud!

Following process

Hi I am Annette, and I have been an addict to insane relationships for long time.  I think still I am, although I have realized and accepted my problem, so it is the first step to defeat it. I have said this same quote many times, but I wish some day I really do something to apply the theory. 
I have to confess that I feel different comparing the previous deceptions, perhaps it is true that beatings teach, and like this time the shock, the fall has been the most cumbersome and difficult of all, at least not anguish and uncertainty have taken 24 / 7 of my soul and my peace. I can not deny I still feel a spear through myheart when memories come to mind, and with them the questions without answer or explanation. I confess that I wept like a child, lying on the bathroom floor, where nobody sees me, but they have been crying short, painful and deep. Tears trying to wash the blood that remains in my chest after the destruction of my heart. And still that, much remains to mourn, but not because he deserves my tears, no, but to free my heart of this sea of pain and frustration that floods and presses it.
His indifference is the wall that prevents me to return to jump into the void As I have already done many times before. 


I have to be thankful with my friends, that have been comforting me in many ways, with their ears, their shoulders, their patience. Evelyn, Kelvis, Marcela, Emilia, Larissa ..thanks GOD to put these great ladies in my way...It is a prove that HE loves me! 

Is me! ....Yes, again!

Hi, I am Annette, yes the same fool...And I have a couple of hours without .....all right!  if there is still someone who reads this blog, never mind....It is me ..again, and guess what? I have felt again in the same circle, vice, insanity, whatever name I can use to call this situation, that should be familiar for me, because  I have granted the permission to take ownership of my soul.
After exactly one year and since my last post when I asked myself...Do I Win? Nothing has changed, I didn't win anything, I entered again in his circle, and this time was worst. I am not going to enter in details, how far we went, or how deep were the feelings, because that memories, hurt me and cause and indescribable pain in the center of my chest....That's not fair!  I don't deserve it.
However, I have to recognize that I accepted,and were my own feet who walked, blindly to the same black hole.  This time I enjoyed more than never ever have done it. In the end, he throws me down, this time from the highest place we had been together.
Now I have discovered a time machine in my own blog, and reading my post since the beginning, I feel shame on me. But how can I avoid to fall in love in this way? No body has the answer, my heart is quite stupid, and takes control over me ...Now I just want to say that I will use the same posts I have written and update them. I lose  the  whole war, after I had won important battles...and now I am again in the battle field alone, destroyed, ashamed but still hope, a little bit of hope, resides in my inner mind.
That hope is not regarding expectations about him or so, nooo!, this time his shame and his conscious, will be fried by remorse , I know. But this remorse, his coward attitude keep him far from me for long time. Making it easy for him, hard for me but definitive for both.  My hope is that I will be able to get over, to recover from this epic fail...and this anger will become in something good ....but it is just that Hope...and Faith in God, faith that HE will give the strength I need to do it. Please God don't live me alone!

Do I wIn?

Hello, I am Anny, and after a well known and cyclic period of no-write, I am back. Today I ask myself: Do I win? But, What Did I win? Which is the prize and what was the battle about it? It is over? or there are victims yet?
I decided to double check everything that  I have thought and analyzed, about my known emotional dependency, and the battle I have been fighting since ...whenever against myself to eradicate it. I need to realize and internalize where I am now, and how I have arrived here. What I have now, where I am going and what I value the most. Changes have took place, and I can say proudly that all changes have been for good. FINALLY!!
But it is for critical relevancy, that I put the points over the i´s,  first to recharge my batteries and stamina, because I know the battle still,  secondly to fill my soul and heart with the good taste that comes from the satisfaction of having advanced in the right direction and leaving behind people and behaviors that did not contribute nothing to our personal and spiritual growth. GREAT!!
New things have arrived to my life, and the environment and the way these things have showed up are giving me a lesson of life, perseverance, patience and sanity.  I have realized that it is not easy get separated from an unproductive relationship just to be alone, talking with your hand as I said! I need company, affect. I want to be loved and have the idea or illusion that someone is interested in me.  I know it sounds as dependency, but the difference is that I am able to recognize now the difference between a unilateral relationship where I am the only one who cares! And the strength to set apart those who doesn't!
Good for me, and now I give thanks to God, because I know, I feel his powerfull hand doing things in my life. Now I am in the way...yes I have won the battle, not the war, but I have the weapons!

Incredible! I am back...talking with my hand!

Hi, I am Annette, and this is the 4th day in the third or fourth attempt to get away from Dark Cat.  Yes, he again, the Evil guy, and me: the silliest and stupid woman I have ever known!
I was unplugged completely from this project because, I fell into Dark Cat's hole so deeply and loudy.  I had to swallow all my words, all my self respect, and suffer again. Because I asked!
There is no victim, I victimized myself, he just took everything like if he deserved,  his behavior is just my fault. He never has made any effort to get me.  He knows and feels certainty about my feelings for him..He believes he has the control, and he can come back whenever he opts to. No claim, no fight, just a woman who "loves" unconditionally...even a stupid like me, has a limit!

There is nothing else that I can write or think about this sick relation, only one thing is true: I am the only one with the power to finish this suffering circle. I must have respect for myself!
God give me strength to leave this situation in the place it should never have left. Take control  of my weaknesses and put final over this!